I don't have the best memory. Others can remember events from elementary, classes, friends, and funny stories. I blocked everything out. Most of middle school and high school. Every now and then I get the fondest feeling of memory, almost like deja vu. It'll happen at the most random times, and just as soon as the feeling came it leaves. It's usually the weather, walking in front of my house on an autumn day brings back a feeling of childhood. Or hearing the song doing it wrong brings back a feeling of heartbreak I don't remember having, you have to love to have your heart broken. But when I get these deja vu feelings I want to stay in that moment, trapped in a warm cloth of familiarity.  Alas it is over, the warmth leaves, and I'm back at a crossroad. No exit sign, no path  previously taken, just the present or the unknown.

Truth.

I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.I'm a fat fuck.

It's been awhile

Happy new year blog!

It's been awhile! The holidays got the best of me. I was up to 123 at one point.. now I'm back down to 115/116 and feeling like a heffer. My preset goal was 115 by the 15th of January, and if things keep going as good as they are I should be down to 110 by then. Must avoid all sugar.


Each month I'm going to give up a junk food. Which mean I cannot have it again that year.

This month: Muffins. The ones at my school coffee shop are ultra delish, and at least 500 cal. No more for me.


I'm also vegetarian now. I want to be vegan by summer. Its alot of work though, because I have to by my own food at home. Vegetarian is a great new excuse to not eat though when around family.

Angry post (at mua) + celeb thinspo

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING is worse than gaining back weight. I got a little crazy and slipped, and now i'm back at 120. Thats 7 fucking LBS. Something, some horrible fat fucking girl in my head, told me that I was supposed to binge all fucking holiday but my parents aren't even AROUND nor NOTICING so my diet is back on baby!!

Whatever worry I had that it would be a 24 hr holiday feast was ridiculous. I'm looking for jobs like crazy so I have excuses to be gone more. I have no excuse to eat, so I won't. Going on a run tomorrow to start my day. 

Now for the good stuff:
Rachel Bilson is my new fav celeb thinspo. at 5' 2 she ways 105 and is flawless. If I could just get down to that I'd be perfect! 15LBs in a month? Of course I can tackle that :) 

Megan fox is only 5'4 and 123 LBS all though I'm SURE thats a lie

Emily browning is 5'2 and it says she weighs 120 but she is SO MUCH TINIER that me and we have the same stats. So. Wtf. 

Lets make it a skinny christmas betch

One of those nights

One of those nights. I can't quite put a title on them but i've had them so many times. I know theres others like me that do this;We go through these cycles in our lives, of intense pleasure and thrill. And after the party ends and we wake up and walk home we go through the period of reflecting on that fast ride we were on. The effects still have us spinning into a blur, and we can't look ahead because the present is so distraught. I look back at the blatant choices I made to land me here. Do the ones I left behind think about it for even a moment?

I was so troubled. For so long my identity was to be crazy and although I feel just as alone as I always have, being sober is not as scary as I thought. I'm forced to deal with the person i've become, and day by day I will make my identity.


You're looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black
Just keep going to the bathroom, always say you'll be right back
Well, it takes one to know one, kid, I think you've got it bad
But what's so easy in the evening by the morning's such a drag

I got a flask inside my pocket, we can share it on the train
And if you promise to stay conscious I will try and do the same
We might die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain
But what was normal in the evening by the morning seems insane

And I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
The reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did
It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live
Cause what is simple in the moonlight by the morning never is
                                           -Bright Eyes   Lua

I am alone

One thing many people don't discuss is the pain of losing a thinspo buddy. My first friend I ever had who was ana too was Kayla. I can't remember exactly how it started but one day she came up to me and said "I heard you used to be anorexic...I want to lose weight." and just like that we were fasting for a week straight, smoking cigs in the park, making journals together, spending hours in the baby food section. I honestly miss that time, having someone who was so serious about it with me. I don't know what happened but we fell out. Shes actually pregnant now weirdly enough.

Then I had multiple online ones. They always gave up.

I had friends who would try and throw up like me, but they could never do it.

And my roomie now calls herself an anorexic. Refers to us as "We" But I worry she's backing out... She says little comments that contradict what we're trying to do. She eats a shit ton when her boyfriend comes up. She said she was gonna fast today and ate a bunch of veggies and granola bars. I was just hoping this time I would have someone on my level....

It sucks being alone in this

Thinspo, Thinspo, thinspo!!

Fast day 2 :)  Down to 114

Her arms, collar bones, waist <3

fragile

Mine are starting to show a bit, but I want this!!

I would kill to wrap my hand around my arm like that. And for those legs.

No fat rolls AND her hip bones show. Perfection

I want a flat stomach when I sit up

thigh gap, you go glen coco