Holy temptation!

Okay so I'm sitting in my room and my roomie walks in with 2 pumpkin muffins and apples, telling me our RA is handing it out. (let it be noted my roomie is munching on buttery popcorn and swedish fish, asking me if I want some of that) I curl up my lips at the carbs but go out to our lobby to see what the deal is. In the lobby I was offered a plate of chocolate, muffins, soda, and caramel apples by different people.

The warrior sprints through the forest of temptations, slashing the witches and gremlins who dare try and fight her. She struts into the old maidens cottage. "I heard you had apples." Taking two treasures in each hand, she paces back to her salvation with her head high, knowing no creature would fathom trying to fight her. 
"Oh good..apple..save those for the week". Said the voice of Ana. 
The loveable troll that shared the room shouted, "Do you like mounds?" as she gorged the pile of junk food in her lap.
"No thank you." said the warrior with a smile, she knew she had won for the day. 






Side note: My roomie asked what it is I do on my computer all the time as I was writing this. I told her I write.. Haha.

Random thinspo + update

So, this weekend was rough. It was fall break. I did really good for the first two days, ate only one small meal and threw up everything. But then I went to my moms, and I resisted..and then I ate and ate ate ate. Ugh. Oh well now I'm back at the university safe and away from pressures of food. I was so tired of people making me eat. I was scared after this binge weekend i'd binge when I came back, but then I realized something. NO ONE is here to force me to eat. Theres no pressure. No one is going to look my way and say "you need to eat." Not when I still look like a fat cow. Maybe after these next 10 pounds..maybe then. Thats how i'll judge my progress, by the compliments. Because you're not really losing shit if no one notices. Anyway, I feel safe and sound in my little dorm room. No food, just netflix, reading, working out, keeping myself busy :) I'll probably post lots of thinspo tonight. 

^It must be so nice to look that sexy in bed

^for those moments when you cant lose past a certain weight

^She remind me of how Marya Hornbacher describer herself in her memoir (wasted, look it up. SO good) Sitting up all night in a cafe, reading and drinking black coffee. Long dark hair and the kind of mysterious allure that no one can resist. My extensions are coming in and then maybe if i get this tiny i'll feel like her..maybe <3

Reminiscing

Today I've been thinking alot about the past. See when I think about the past it revolves around two things: what I ate and a traumatic event I won't post about. Anyways I was thinking of the time I first witnessed someone feeling fat, my friend was crying in the bathroom, 8 years old, that she was covered in "baby fat." I remember complaining about being chubby and my mom would say "oh it's baby fat, you'll grow into it." Growing was the last thing I wanted. Later, in 7th grade, when i would complain about my "baby fat." my sister told me that wasn't a real thing. It was simply, fat. My dads nickname for me was "puddin' pop" and "softie" all terms relating to my fat as he squeezed my stomach. He commented alot about my weight in 6th and 7th grade. He stopped when he realized I was anorexic.
Anorexic. A term my family avoids like the plague. In 7th grade I was eating 1 cookie a day. I don't remember how my family found out. Suddenly however they were angry at me. "EAT SAM." Dinner turned into screaming battles or passive remarks about my health. I remember shoving a bagel in my mouth and saying "there happy?!" and my dad and sister saying, "that's how bulimics eat!" I eventually caved and gained weight. In 9th grade I would be at dinner, half joking about how my dad raised me poorly with his nicknames like "pudding pop" and my step mom would say "sheesh no wonder she had an eating disorder." everyone would get quite and ignore it and go on to the next topic. However our thoughts pesky filled the room through silence. My dads thought was "eating disorder? What eating disorder?" because in his mind I never had a medical problem, I was just weird. And I would think, "had?" it echoed in my head. HAVING seemed like a losing term, like I had lost my power. I jumped back into my rhythm of a Gatorade at lunch. I didn't think people noticed. Until the end of sophomore year when I would talk about my eating disorder like it was the past, and a friend would say "yeah I heard you had one." me-"how no one knew." her-"yeah some people just said you never ate." I would be quite. I was happy.I was known. Back to not eating.

Junior year I made a friend, Kayla. Our friendship is vivid in my mind, I miss it. We became close solely on the fact that we were both anorexic. We skipped lunch and sat in the library discussing dieting tips. We spent hours researching low cal foods, sitting in front of the baby food isle buying grocerys, eating a low cal cake and then throwing it up together. She was never good at throwing up, so I strived to be really good at doing it. I miss having someone I could talk about dieting with. Someone who would go days without eating and smoke cigs with me. Someone who would Throw up with me. Someone who wouldn't back out. A competitive love and strive for perfection.

I miss it. I will never hear the word had again, I will hear "Sam you need to eat." "Sam you're too skinny"

Pet peeves

I have many, it seems like they all become much more irritating when I'm dieting.

For example:

When people tell me "Eating nothing actually makes you gain weight." yeah it's true in some cases, but with my body at least, I've fasted and lost weight every time. It's not the little eating that makes you gain weight, it's the bingeing after.

When people eat or do anything that involves oral sounds around me. It disgusts me. I was stuck in the car today between two friends eating smelly chicken wings. Repulsive.

When I become bloated during a fast. That shits annoying.

Make october binge free

New thinspo blog

My new blog!! I'm so excited to start this one.

 

I had a dedicated pro ana tumblr blog for a little over two years, with over 200 followers that needed me. Words can't describe how upset I am that they deleted all that history with no pre warning. Last night I really needed to blog and vent about my feelings, and I couldnt do that.

Anywho heres some stats:

CW: 130              LW: 98
GW 1: 120
GW 2: 115
GW 3: 110
             UGW: 100 


I know I can do it. I have to.