Angry post (at mua) + celeb thinspo

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING is worse than gaining back weight. I got a little crazy and slipped, and now i'm back at 120. Thats 7 fucking LBS. Something, some horrible fat fucking girl in my head, told me that I was supposed to binge all fucking holiday but my parents aren't even AROUND nor NOTICING so my diet is back on baby!!

Whatever worry I had that it would be a 24 hr holiday feast was ridiculous. I'm looking for jobs like crazy so I have excuses to be gone more. I have no excuse to eat, so I won't. Going on a run tomorrow to start my day. 

Now for the good stuff:
Rachel Bilson is my new fav celeb thinspo. at 5' 2 she ways 105 and is flawless. If I could just get down to that I'd be perfect! 15LBs in a month? Of course I can tackle that :) 

Megan fox is only 5'4 and 123 LBS all though I'm SURE thats a lie

Emily browning is 5'2 and it says she weighs 120 but she is SO MUCH TINIER that me and we have the same stats. So. Wtf. 

Lets make it a skinny christmas betch

One of those nights

One of those nights. I can't quite put a title on them but i've had them so many times. I know theres others like me that do this;We go through these cycles in our lives, of intense pleasure and thrill. And after the party ends and we wake up and walk home we go through the period of reflecting on that fast ride we were on. The effects still have us spinning into a blur, and we can't look ahead because the present is so distraught. I look back at the blatant choices I made to land me here. Do the ones I left behind think about it for even a moment?

I was so troubled. For so long my identity was to be crazy and although I feel just as alone as I always have, being sober is not as scary as I thought. I'm forced to deal with the person i've become, and day by day I will make my identity.


You're looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black
Just keep going to the bathroom, always say you'll be right back
Well, it takes one to know one, kid, I think you've got it bad
But what's so easy in the evening by the morning's such a drag

I got a flask inside my pocket, we can share it on the train
And if you promise to stay conscious I will try and do the same
We might die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain
But what was normal in the evening by the morning seems insane

And I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
The reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did
It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live
Cause what is simple in the moonlight by the morning never is
                                           -Bright Eyes   Lua

I am alone

One thing many people don't discuss is the pain of losing a thinspo buddy. My first friend I ever had who was ana too was Kayla. I can't remember exactly how it started but one day she came up to me and said "I heard you used to be anorexic...I want to lose weight." and just like that we were fasting for a week straight, smoking cigs in the park, making journals together, spending hours in the baby food section. I honestly miss that time, having someone who was so serious about it with me. I don't know what happened but we fell out. Shes actually pregnant now weirdly enough.

Then I had multiple online ones. They always gave up.

I had friends who would try and throw up like me, but they could never do it.

And my roomie now calls herself an anorexic. Refers to us as "We" But I worry she's backing out... She says little comments that contradict what we're trying to do. She eats a shit ton when her boyfriend comes up. She said she was gonna fast today and ate a bunch of veggies and granola bars. I was just hoping this time I would have someone on my level....

It sucks being alone in this

Thinspo, Thinspo, thinspo!!

Fast day 2 :)  Down to 114

Her arms, collar bones, waist <3

fragile

Mine are starting to show a bit, but I want this!!

I would kill to wrap my hand around my arm like that. And for those legs.

No fat rolls AND her hip bones show. Perfection

I want a flat stomach when I sit up

thigh gap, you go glen coco

The highs and the lows of Ana

The high you get from starving is like none other. I went a week eating 100 calories max, if that and my roomie went 3 days. There was one day we were driving to get my xanax, and we both felt so spaced out. Its like your light headed, happy, empty, numb, and starved at the same time. A total mindfuck. I dont know what I would do without her, people would think I was a nut job all by myself.

There are the low days too...I woke up from a dream that i had binged on chocolate, and realized it was just a dream when I was already shaking. (my roomie had the same dream, the same time.. weird)
Its hard to sleep. You lay your head down and think think think. Of what you'll eat tomorrow, what you ate today, what you would eat if you could eat anything, what you'll wear when youre skinny.
And I had an emotional break down the other day. I was starved and delirious and one thing set off a temper tantrum of tears. Needless to say i'm now on xanax.

Either way, I choose being skinny over any pros or cons.


xoxo

Chase your caffeine with water, trust me.

If you're anything like me, coffee isn't a drink, it's breakfast and lunch and if I'm feeling impulsive, dinner. Unfortunately, drinking so much caffeine can take a toll on you're body. It can cause bloating because you're body is trying to retain water due to dehydration. 

When you're shedding pounds and the scale is going down, it can seem like utter BULLSHIT to bloat to the size of a whale. Thats why its important to drink a shit ton of water. Seriously, for every cup of coffee have like 3 of water. It seems weird to try and get rid of water weight by drinking more. But the more water you push in, the more your body can push out! 

Holiday update +thinspo

"You want me to eat thanksgiving meal..and then leftovers?!"

Lets all just take a moment to exhale. It was a crazy couple of days, but the most fattening holiday is over and I, and hopefully you, can scurry back to our safe havens and starve our hearts away. Yesterday was my first day back on eating normally, my family brought me to taco bell and I got a chicken soft taco, opened it up and ate the lettuce only. I'm sad but slightly relieved to say I got out of the two thanksgiving with only 3 LBs gained. So if I dont eat today they will hopefully be gone by tuesday. I can't wait to go back to my dorm room where junk food is non existent and me and my roomie strive for empty perfection. But there's a catch-- my dad wants to take me grocery shopping today. Fuck fuck fuck. I'll try and stick with cans of soup and fruit as much as I can without giving him any clues, because this time I'm a much smarter dieter then I was in the past. In the past my family would catch on and make me gain weight in like a week. This time, they don't expect anything. And they can't see me when I'm away at college, they can't see the progress I'm making. 

So heres the plan. My next break starts DEC. 15. That gives me 20 days. If I eat below 400 on each of these days, I can be down to 114 in 20. Fingers crossed! Maybe these past few days of eating pure shit have been good because I'll drop weight right past that 120 plateu I dreaded oh so much.

AND NOW... for thinspo + thoughts

lets make this christmas a skinny one

the one in the back is about to get attacked. 

I mean why not set up the tree in your undies when youre this skinny

I've known girls that look thin in a bunch of layers. I hated those girls.

fragile.. oh so fragile

 I love bestie thinspo because it remind me of me and my roomie (she gets pictures to remind her of our goal daily, hehe)

Oh how i LONG for skinny arms and rib bones to show in my chest

How I feel when people say "you need to eat."

My stomach use to look concave like this when I layed down. Maybe at 110 <3

Update

Okay so thanksgiving one (moms) is out of the way. Now I have 2 days of fasting and then on to dads thanksgiving. Man oh man i hope I can be good. I'm so ready for these holidays to be out of the way. I'm ready to be in my room, safe and away from food, with no one keeping tabs on me. Even my roomie has ana tendacies, so she starves with me. Its such a beautiful friendship/competition.


Big ana post coming later tonight.

xoxo
(I'm not going to start signing skinny bitch again until im 115)

Thinspo post

I should do this!!!

 Definitely don't look that thin browsing my computer...

 amazing.

skinny girl gets the guy. 

collar bones <3

progress can happen. I promise.

Fuck the haters. They're either fatter or don't want competition.

So true.. when food isn't even thought of <3

How to get through the Holidays

I know many other ana's can relate to the undeniable fear that comes hand in hand with the joy of the holidays. Thanksgiving and christmas break, while a nice little get away from classes, can also mean racking your brain for excuses and times to throw up all the food thrown at you. My goal is to get away from the holiday having gained no weight, and I've come up with a plan to do it. Last thanksgiving I threw up 11 times in one day, do you have any idea how sore my throat was?! Here's a few tips on how to survive the holidays as best you can, without having to completely sacrifice your ana ways.

1. Dont snack! Snacking is the easiest way to stack up calories.

2. On thanksgiving, eat the one meal only. Load your plate with the veggie portions and eat slow. 

3. If you can sneak off to throw up the food when everyones napping, eat green or red stuff first so you know when it all comes up.

4. Only drink water.

5. Usually people eat lots of leftovers of the holiday cooking. Don't. 

6. If you're helping bake, chew gum. Don't take bites of everything you make. 

7. Only eat when others are watching...like why else would you? 

8. Fast before and fast after. The couple days of calorie consumption will trick your metabolism if you do it between fasts.

Thats all I can think of for now.

Stay strong.

XOXO.

Quick update

Okay so my computer broke (ugh) and I ate badly for like three days straight (double-ugh) but I'll be trying to do a thinspo post ASAP!!

Stay strong skinnies <3

Love disappoints me

It's so uncontrollable. I mean, people always have their reason why YOU'RE alone. Like: "gods got the right one waiting for you." "he'll come when you least expect it, and you're too expecting." "you have to love yourself first."

Take in all the advice. Absorb it. Live it. And still desperately alone.

But then you wake up and think, "I'm not hungry today." and just like that, something's in your control. It's so easy. It's a simple math of counting calories. And mention start to stare because you look hotter the thinner you get. And for a second, you think it's the part of love you can control. Attraction.

But then you find yourself alone at night, starving. And it hits you that love doesn't matter. Your weight does.

Where is this love that everyone wants/needs/worships? Because I don't feel it and the thought of feeling it scares me. Because I won't be able to control it. I can control my hunger.

update

Finally got past the 120 hump, 119 tonight. Hopefully down to 118 tomorrow <3

All I had today was an apple (80) half a mini Hershey candy (45) and a cup of juice i threw up. I dont know if I feel like it was a good day or bad day yet.

I'll be dreaming of 115 in my sleep tonight <3

Is it too much to ask to just lay in a bed and be this fragile?

Holy temptation!

Okay so I'm sitting in my room and my roomie walks in with 2 pumpkin muffins and apples, telling me our RA is handing it out. (let it be noted my roomie is munching on buttery popcorn and swedish fish, asking me if I want some of that) I curl up my lips at the carbs but go out to our lobby to see what the deal is. In the lobby I was offered a plate of chocolate, muffins, soda, and caramel apples by different people.

The warrior sprints through the forest of temptations, slashing the witches and gremlins who dare try and fight her. She struts into the old maidens cottage. "I heard you had apples." Taking two treasures in each hand, she paces back to her salvation with her head high, knowing no creature would fathom trying to fight her. 
"Oh good..apple..save those for the week". Said the voice of Ana. 
The loveable troll that shared the room shouted, "Do you like mounds?" as she gorged the pile of junk food in her lap.
"No thank you." said the warrior with a smile, she knew she had won for the day. 






Side note: My roomie asked what it is I do on my computer all the time as I was writing this. I told her I write.. Haha.

Random thinspo + update

So, this weekend was rough. It was fall break. I did really good for the first two days, ate only one small meal and threw up everything. But then I went to my moms, and I resisted..and then I ate and ate ate ate. Ugh. Oh well now I'm back at the university safe and away from pressures of food. I was so tired of people making me eat. I was scared after this binge weekend i'd binge when I came back, but then I realized something. NO ONE is here to force me to eat. Theres no pressure. No one is going to look my way and say "you need to eat." Not when I still look like a fat cow. Maybe after these next 10 pounds..maybe then. Thats how i'll judge my progress, by the compliments. Because you're not really losing shit if no one notices. Anyway, I feel safe and sound in my little dorm room. No food, just netflix, reading, working out, keeping myself busy :) I'll probably post lots of thinspo tonight. 

^It must be so nice to look that sexy in bed

^for those moments when you cant lose past a certain weight

^She remind me of how Marya Hornbacher describer herself in her memoir (wasted, look it up. SO good) Sitting up all night in a cafe, reading and drinking black coffee. Long dark hair and the kind of mysterious allure that no one can resist. My extensions are coming in and then maybe if i get this tiny i'll feel like her..maybe <3